Five Stages
by x-maja-x
Summary: You remember something about five stages from psychology, but to you that means nothing, just empty talking. And besides, how could anyone know that?
1. Prologue

First time you met grief was when your mother died, but you were too young to know anything about her, let alone recognize her and know her name

Disclamer: Don't own them, just playing with them

A/N: This is something that was stuck in my head for a while so I decided to finally write it. I know it's short but this is just the begining

**Five Stages**

**Prologue**

First time you met grief was when your mother died, but you were too young to know anything about it, let alone recognize it and know it's name. Second time you saw it was in your father's eyes. You wondered when it would go away, but it stayed. Since then you saw it constantly, everytime your family moved, everytime you failed to save someone, or when Sam and dad were fighting. You learned to live with it, always aware of it's shadow, knowing it could resurface any second and the only trail of it's wake would be the pain, regrets and empty wishes you knew would never come true. You never tried to do research about it, why bother when you know that there won't be any information on how to kill it, because you can't kill an emotion. So you just accepted it's existance and tried to avoid it at any cost, but it still finds you every once in a while.

When you were twelve, you saw a six year old girl being killed by a black dog because you failed to protect her, because you thought you two could get away unnoticed. You were wrong and the price was the girl's life. This time grief was in your eyes, and it was unbearable, but it was nothing compared to the pain that followed her. Pain from knowing that it was all your fault. After that you thought you could find a way to control grief or at least the pain that came after her. For the first you never found a way, but you did for the second. You built walls around yourself to protect you from any feelings, not just grief. You didn't do that because of fear but because it was necessary in order to save lives without feelings clouding your judgement like they did that day the little girl died.

That was ten years ago and your walls were still in place. What the walls of Alcatraz represented to it's inmates, yours represented for any outside feelings, and sometimes even your own. From time to time you would lower them for your dad or brother, when you thought that seeing 'something' in your eyes would make them feel better, or convince them that you were alright. But those times were few and very far in between.

Occasionally a few minor cracks would appear and you'd fix them, but first you tried to find out the reason for their appearing so that you could ecsape the next time. But there were two cracks you could never fix even though you knew the reasons behind. Those reasons were Dad and Sammy. You tried everything to fix them completely, but they were always there, in all their glory, sometimes smaller, sometimes bigger. You knew that in the end, those cracks would shatter the walls and cause your downfall.

But you didn't know it would be so soon.


	2. Stage One

Someone once told you, or you read it somewite, that tite are five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaing, Depression and Acceptance. You didn't believe them. Why should you?

**Stage one: Denial**

You sit on the couch, legs on the coffee table, weapons right next to them, cleaning your silver gun. You are in Columbus, Ohio. When you moved here, dad promised Sam you would stay here long enough for him to finish his senior year of high school. That was about nine months ago and there were two weeks of school left. Which meant moving soon. For the first time in your life, you didn't look foward to leaving. You have friends here, a luxury you let yourself have since you were staying here so long. You also have a job at the pub. But if dad says that you are moving, then you'll do it. But Sam might have a problem with that.

They had a fight last night, you could hear them even with your headphones on max volume. You couldn't make out the exact words, but you guess what it was about: Sam's desire for "normal" life. In pursuit of that, Sam aplied to several colleges and the acceptance letters started coming back last week. Of course, dad found out about that. With each new letter, new fight. There was few variations in the fights but they stayed mostly the same. You figured a long time ago it was a smart move to keep weapons out of their reach. Even though you're not present when most fights occur, you're one of their arguments against each other. When things would get too serious, you would intervene and send one of them out of the room to cool off so that you can calm the one that stayed. Recently, Sam's the one going outside, he gets more jumpy and is impossible to calm in normal conditions. Sometimes one look from you is enough for dad to back down and let you take care of things.

Last night you let them fight, you were too tired to try to stop them. You know that that was a lie, you were busy thinking what would happen if Sam really went to college. Nothing good, you're sure of that much. Wanting to clear your head, you decide to go for a run and end up draging Sam along with you, which you hadn't done in years. You didn't plan that, but hearing them when you walked into the living room, you decide to stop them after all. Before walking out of the door, you glance at dad and notice his nod of thanks. You also notice sad smile and pleading look in his eyes. Looking at Sam's back through the open door, you nod and walk outside.

You two ran for over an hour when you notice Sam's breathing hard, but to you this is the easiest run in your life. This isn't your usual type of run, but since Sam is with you, it would have to be enough. When you moved here dad asked you why you never took Sam with you on these runs, and you said that Sam probably won't like them. Dad didn't ask for more explanations, but he found out why you said that few days later when he saw you and couple of more kids, that's how your dad thought of them, climbing on a construction site. That night, dad was waiting for you and some answers. You explained to him that what you were doing was parkour actually and told him what it was about. Dad just agreed and went to bed. He realised it was your way of relaxing and that it could be usefull on hunts, so he never asked about it again. Now, Sam was running next to you, breathing harder with each step he took, so you decided to stop for a while. When you came to a park, you stopped and sat on the bench.

"Why did we stop?" Sam asked sitting next to you.

"Don't feel like running anymore," you lie, because if you said that you noticed he was tired, Sam would start running again just to prove you wrong.

"Why did you take me with you? I mean, you usually don't even ask me, and today you practically dragged me out."

"If you didn't want to come, you could just say so," another lie, you would threaten him with a gun if he hadn't came out.

"I do, it's just that I don't remember the last time you did that. Don't think it was this year."

"Yeah... well you were busy with school and everything," when this leaves your mouth, Sam looks away from you.

"So, did you chose which college you want to go?" you ask him, praying that he would say no, that he isn't leaving them.

"Don't know. Almost all of them offered me scolarship."

You don't know what to say to that statement, so you just stay quiet. And then Sam starts asking some random questions, so you continue to sit there, talking about nothing in specific. Your phone is on vibrate so you jump when it starts ringing. Seeing that it's dad calling, you answer it.

"Yeah?"

"You and Sam need to come home, I'm going on a hunt in Detroit."

"When are you leaving?" you ask him, counting how many hours it will take him to get there, and how far you are from the house.

"In one hour."

"We'll be back in half an hour, fourty minutes max," you said turning around to Sam who was already standing.

"Okay, hurry up."

"Bye," you manage to say before the call is disconnected. When you put the phone back in the pocket, you and Sam start running back.

.......................................................................................................................................................

That was last night, and now you're putting the gun back together, when you hear the doors unlocking. Several seconds later Sam appeared in the living room and tossed his backpack on the couch next to you.

"Hey," he said sitting on the chair next to the couch. He has new envelope in hand. It's good thing dad's away and can't see it.

"Hey, you're back early," you said putting your gun in the duffle and started to collect the rest of the weapons.

"Yeah, took a ride with Andy. New letter," he said holding the envelope in air. Seems it's from Stanford University in California. Sam opened it and smile lit up his face. He quickly stood up and went up the stairs to his room. You hear the door closing and rub your eyes. Whatever the letter said, Sam was happy about it, and you can't help but think if that's the college Sam would choose.

These thoughts were stopped when Sam came back to the room, "Hey Dean?"

"Yeah?"

"You working today?" he asks grabbing the TV remote and turning it on.

You look at the clock and realise that you have little over an hour before your shift starts so you get up and pick up your stuff from the table. You head for the staircase when Sam calls you, "Dean? "

You turn towards him, "What?"

"Can I drop by tonight?"

"Sure, no problem," you answer him, "is that it? No more questions?"

Sam shakes his head, but when you put you foot on the first stair he calls you again, "Dean?"

"Now what?" you don't really have time for this.

"Bye!" Sam waves to you and turns his atention to TV.

On the cabinet next to the staircase is a small piece of wood, so you pick it up and throw it. It hits Sam in the head and he yelps. That put a smile on you face and improved your mood.

.......................................................................................................................................................

You're behind the bar, talking with Chris, the owner of the pub. Yes, pub. Full english style. On every wall there are pictures of Liverpool F.C. players or their stadium Anfield. It's fun working here, especially during soccer nights, Champions League and Premier League to be specific. Let's just say, you learned a lot about soccer, or football as they call it across the pond. And your favourite pass-time, pool. There are three tables, but one of them had yellow and red balls instead of the usual ones. Again, english style. You never hustled here, it doesn't feel right.

One of the main reasons you like this place is that Chris used to be a hunter, so you don't have to make up excuses for missing work. You'd just tell him what you were hunting and did you killed it, and that was it, you were forgiven. Chris also owned the garage where dad worked, so there was no problems either.

It's around 10 pm when Sam walks in. He's kinda hard to miss, being Sasquatch and all. And besides you have clear view on the doors from where you're standing. Sam comes straight to the bar.

"What are you drinking Sammy?" you ask him even though you know the answer. He's your brother after all.

"Beer. And it's Sam."

"Sorry Sam, not sure I'm allowed to give you that."

"Come on Dean! You were letting me drink beer since I was sixteen."

At this point Chris joined the conversation, "What's going on here?"

"Sam's whining cause I won't let him drink beer," you answer him, but there was no way Sam will get that beer, now that Chris was here. You saw the looks Chris was giving Sam and you know what he'd tell Sam.

"You have school tomorrow morning, so no beer or any kind of alcohol for you tonight."

You smile at the look on Sam's face, it's priceless really. Chris didn't disappoint you, he told exactly what you thought he would, every single word.

Chris looks at you and you try to hide the smile. Obviously you managed that feat since he didn't tell you to whipe the smile of your face, like he usually does when you smile at something you shouldn't, "I forgot to tell you. Dominic was here while you were at the back."

"Did he say something?"

"He said to meet him at the elementary school tomorrow. I asked him when and he said that you know," he was right, you knew when, you just needed to find out where. You know by the look on Chris's face that he wants to know more, but you ignore that. He doesn't need to know it.

You, Sam and Chris were talking for a while when you came to the painful subject. Well it's painful for you, so you retreated from that conversation. But Chris was curious, like always, "Sam, have you applied to any college?"

"To several, actually. They all accepted me," you could see in Sam's eyes that he was happy because of it.

"That's great. Which one did you chose?" Chris was persistent, not realising that Sam didn't really want to talk about it.

"None," and that word woke up hope in you, but the next ones killed it, "I mean not yet."

"Don't worry. You'd do great no matter which one you chose," Chris's voice was full of confidence. You also knew that Sam would finish any of those colleges without problem. But you're sure Sam won't go to college. He wouldn't leave his family behind. Leave you and dad, he wouldn't do that.

But there's a voice in the back of your head: _"You're in denial, Dean."_


	3. Stage Two

**Stage two: Anger**

You've been lying awake for maybe ten minutes. One look at the clock tells you that is 5:30. You have one hour till the sunrise, and half an hour to meet with the rest of the crew. So you get up and start to get dressed. Short trip to the bathroom and you're ready to go. You quietly walk out of your room and pass next to Sam's. The doors are open so you peek inside. Sam's lying on his stomach, legs tangled in sheets, like always. Smiling, you close the doors and go downstairs, never making a sound. You'll be back before he wakes up for for school. Walking into the living room you take your favourite knife, just in case. It became a habit not to leave the house without some kind of weapon. Grabbing your jacket, your search the keys in it's pockets, and when you finally find them you throw the jacket across the chair and walk out the door, lock them behind you and put the keys in their rightful place in your pocket, right next to the cellphone.

You still have a lot of time to kill, so you decide to stop at the diner near the meeting place and get some coffee, because there's no way in hell you'll stay awake without it. You know that you're addicted, but you also know that no amount of will power can cure you from it. It's one of the facts in your life. You walk with a smile on your face and coffee in hand towards the empty construction site, which is almost at the end of the town, where you notice group of people sitting on the bench.

They're waiting for you, just like the day when you met them. Nikki, Mike, Pete and Andy are there, laughing and looking wide awake. They should be considering the amout of coffee cups next to the bench. When you walk to them, you shake everyone's hand, except Nikki's, who hugs you. She's the youngest one in the crew, four years younger than you and goes in Sam's grade, so all of you let her get away with it. You notice two more persons are missing: Dominic and Lucy. You sit next to Nikki and join their conversation about movies. Few minutes later, they appear. You notice the smile on Lucy's face when her eyes lock on you. She breaks into sprint last few meters and throws herself at you. You manage to stand up before you have to catch her. And then you kiss her.

"Missed me?" you whisper to her when she pulls away to catch her breath.

"Couldn't wait to see you," she answers and thightens her hold on you.

"Really?" you ask her, amusement clear in your voice.

"I haven't seen you since Tuesday. Do you know what day is today?"

You think about that question. The reason she haven't seen you since then was that dad had called you Tuesday morning, after you dropped Sam at school, to come and help him. The thing he was hunting was werewolf, so you gladly agreed to join him. You were cranky and had to relax somehow, and there's no better way to do that than to kill something evil. Wendsday night, werewolf was dead, you killed it. Dad didn't comment how you did it, as long as the job was done. He also didn't comment when he found broken mirror in the bathroom then next day before you left. When you got home, dad asked you to train with him. That was a mistake, and you both knew it. Dad ended with a bruise along his jaw and badly bruised ego. After that he did comment. He asked what was wrong with you, and when you couldn't answer he told you to get straight and calm down before he does it for you.

But that doesn't matter now. What matteres now is Lucy and her penetrating blue eyes waiting for your answer. You snap your fingers and then proudly exclaim, "Friday," and you can hear everyone laughing in the background.

"Do you have any idea how long that is?"

"Will this help?" you kiss her again, but pull away when you hear Dominic clearing his troath. He's like you in some ways. Big brother, protective, looks after those closest to him, and all of those are a part of this crew, even you.

"Definitly," Lucy answers glaring at her big brother, who just smiles in return.

"Shall we start?" Dominic asks looking at the sky and then at the building.

You all nod and start running towards the building. Climbing is easy, but going down will be interesting. You reach the top first and realise how beautiful the view is from up there. You move away from the edge and sit down. Dominic joins you first, then slowly everyone else. Lucy sits in front of you and leans back so that her head is on your chest. In these few moments, watching the sunrise with your friends, you're free. No thoughts about hunting, Sam, dad and their fighting are invading your mind. Nothing, but blissfull ignorance. But it ends too soon. You sit a little bit longer than the others, enjoying while you can. When you climb down, you say goodbye to everyone but Nikki, and then you two start running home.

.......................................................................................................................................................

The second you came into your room, you stripped in your boxers and threw yourself on the bed. You were about to fall asleep when Sam entered the room.

"Dean, I need your help."

"Sammy I would really like to sleep," you said barely keeping your eyes open.

"Please, it's about my physics examination," Sam whined and jumped on your bed.

"If you let me sleep then," you sit up and try to look awake, which is a little dificult. Sam could sometimes act like a spoiled five year old. Another fact in your life, "What's the problem?"

"Total internal reflection and Snell's law"

"I repeat my question, what's the problem?"

Appearently, everything. Sam didn't know a thing, so you explained him what you could in thirty minutes. When he leaves, sleep claims you.

You wake up again some time later when someone jumps on your bed.

"Sam, I swear to God, if you don't stop..." you leave the treath unfinished.

"You'll do what?" girls voice asks you. That got your atention so you turn your head and see Lucy sitting on the bed and smiling at you. You put a hand around her waist and pull her down so that she's lying next to you.

"How did you get in?"

"Your dad let me. Told me to use any means necessary to wake you up, since is already noon."

"He's mean," you whine just like Sam did earlier.

"Why?" she asks, her fingers playing on your back.

"He knows I'll behave as long as he's in the house."

"Ah, poor baby," she says trying to hide her laughter. And failing miserably.

"You think that's funny?" You pull her closer and start to kiss her. Before thinghs got a slightest chance to escalate, you hear dad calling you. "See what I mean?" you ask her defeated and she shrugs in symphaty.

You hear dad calling you again so you get out of bed, pull your sweatpants on and go to the doors see why he called you. Your hand is already on the knob when your dad knocks.

"Yeah?" you ask him opening the doors.

"Could you go to the groceries store before you go pick up Sam?" dad asks you, leaning on the doorway.

"Sure, no problem," you tell him and then turn to Lucy, "You coming with me?"

"Of course," she answers and gets up. You go to your closet and ransack it looking for something to wear.

"You go keep my dad company, while I go take a shower," you usher them both out of the room and go to the bathroom.

Twenty minutes later you walk into the kitchen completly dressed. You take one cup from the cabinets and pour coffee in it, ignoring the looks dad and Lucy are giving you. You turn towards them and lean on the sink, "I'm ready to go. Where's the list?"

Dad hands you a piece of paper and a wad of cash, "Feel free to buy few more things."

You just smile to that and put your cup in the sink, "Let's go."

.......................................................................................................................................................

You're sitting at the top of the highest building in the town. The trip to the store was short so after dropping off Lucy you went to pick up Sam from schoool. On the whole ride home he talked about college, with his every word your foot hit the gas pedal harder. The usual 15 minutes trip was done in little over 5 minutes. Inside he continued with the talk, and you couldn't listen to him anymore so you went outside. That's why you're here now. Thinking about the wreckage of the past few days you realise something. You probably realised it sooner but chose to ignore it till now. You realise the reason for your behaviour. The reason why you hit the mirror at the motel yesterday, or why you emptied the entire clip of silver bullets into the werewolf two nights ago or why you could beat dad in a fight. The reason is simple, really. You were angry. As a matter of fact, you still are.

A/N: I'm having some problems with writing the next stage, so it could be a while before I post it, but I'll try my best to make it sooner.


	4. Stage Three

A/N: After a lot of waiting, here is next chapter finally. To tell you the truth I felt bad after not updating for so long, so I wasn't sure if I should post it. But my friend told me I have to, so here it is…

**Stage three: Bargaining**

You slowly wake up and open your eyes, but shut them not even a second later because the colors are just too bright. _Few more minutes of sleep won't hurt_, you think and cover your head with the pillow, falling asleep again.

You're woken by Sam hour and a half later, "Morning sunshine!" Sam says in cheerful voice.

"Don't talk so loud," you move the pillow from your head, only to drop it back, "my head will explode."

"Breakfast, couple of aspirins and you'll be good as new," Sam sits on your bed.

"NO! Few more hours of sleep and I'll be good as new, "you say and hit Sam with another pillow, "Now, go away. I want to sleep."

"Dean, it's 10."

"So? That means I slept three hours."

"When did you get back?"

"Little before 7," drinking somehow always seemed like fun the night you were doing it. But the next morning, you swore to never do it again. And still you do it. That's another fact in your life.

"You were out whole night?"

"Technically," you spent half the night with Lucy, since you were drinking at her and Dominic's house, but he didn't need to know that. Actually, he doesn't even know about her.

"Stop right there! I don't wanna know where you were, or who you slept with."

You smirk at that. Typical Sam. You just have to hint that you were with a girl and he'll stop questioning you. But does he have to yell? You cover your head with a pillow again.

"How many drinks you had last night?" now there's genuine concern in Sam's voice. With a hint of amusement, of course.

"Around four beers, and don't know how many shots, stopped counting after seven," yeah that sounds about right to you.

As Sam opened his mouth to probably warn you about the dangers of drinking too much alcohol, dad walked into the room, "Do you two have in plan going for breakfast or you'll sit here and talk all day?" he asked looking at Sam.

You laugh at the startled look on Sam's face, even though that makes your head hurt more, "I'll be down in ten minutes, dad," you say looking at dad, and then you look at Sam, "beat it Sam."

Mumbling something that you couldn't understand, Sam left the room, which left only dad. Dad never comments when you come home wasted, as long as you don't do anything stupid while you're drunk. Now he'll ask the same questions as Sam earlier. Three, two, one… now

"When did you come back?"

"Before 7."

"Where were you?"

"At Lucy's," you openly tell him. After all, he knows almost everything about you two.

"Hurry up," dad tells you and leaves the room.

_Finally, some peace and quiet._

………………………………………………………………………………………………

When you entered the diner you were surprised because it didn't have many customers, even though it was Sunday morning, and the three of you sat at the table nearest to the exit. Ayoung waitress walked to your table, she had dark hair tied in ponytail, and couldn't have been more than twenty, "Morning. Can I take your order?" she asked with a smile. You don't even look at her, which earns you worried look from Sam, but you ignore it.

"Coffee and English breakfast," that was dad's order.

"Same," was Sam's.

And now was your turn, "Coffee, English breakfast and pancakes," some people couldn't eat when they had hangover, but you didn't have that problem. As a matter of fact, you're always starving after. Both Sam and dad are looking at you.

"What?"

"Aren't you supposed to have aversion to food right now?" Sam asks, but dad just laughs, shaking his head.

The rest of the meal was quiet, each one of you caught in his thoughts and busied with the food.

"Boys, I'm leaving when we get back to the house. There's a poltergeist in Lexington," dad says when he finishes his meal. You and Sam just look at each other, calculating how long it will take him to finish it and come back. And your conclusion is not before Thursday.

"Can I go with you?" you ask and dad turns to look at you, confusion all over his face.

"You don't have to, Joshua is already there. He actually called me to come and help him," with those words you knew that the chances to go with him had disappeared.

"Don't worry son, you'll go with on the next one," dad must have seen something on your face that caused him to say that.

Any comment you had on that was postponed when you saw Nikki coming towards your table. You can't help but to smile at her.

"Hey Sam," she says looking at your brother and then looks at you with a smile "You're alive, after all."

"It takes a little more than that to kill me," you tell her with obvious amusement to which dad just rolls his eyes.

"You were drinking with him?" Sam asks her. He probably didn't know you two were good friends, he just thought you knew each other because she lived across the street from you.

"Kinda. I was drinking, he was trying to get wasted. Which he managed by the end of the night."

"I know, I saw the way he looked this morning," to your surprise it was John who answers and Nikki laughs to that. The funny thing was, dad looks like he wants to laugh too. "I bet when we get back home, he'll throw himself on the bed," he looks at you for confirmation.

The sound of your cell phone ringing saves you from answering dad assumption, even though it was true. Without looking at the caller ID, you answer it, "Hello?"

"How's your head?" You hear Dom's smug voice on the other side.

"It's been better. How about you?" he was the only one able to keep up with you, so you were both wasted last night.

"It'll be fine once I find some aspirin. Almost threw up when I saw Lucy eating," you laugh when you hear that, "Anyway, are you working tonight?"

"Yeah, around 8. Chris organized some poker tournament so he needs help. And there is a match at 2," you answer him. Usually on Sundays you would work just during the game, but Chris asked you to help him tonight with the tournament, so you'll be work from 2 till 4, and again from 8 till the tournament ends.

"6:30 at the playground?" you know what's he asking. Sunset is very nice, especially if you're watching it from one of the highest buildings in town.

"6:30. Playground. Got it," you repeat for Nikki, who just nods her head in return, "See you later," with that you hang up. You see dad searching his wallet so you pick up your jacket and get ready to leave.

"Nikki, you need a ride home?" dad asks your friend, and again you see Sam's surprised face.

"Sure, thanks," Nikki agrees.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

After watching your dad drive off, you go back into the house. Right now only thing you want is to go back to bed and catch a few more hours of sleep before you have to go to work. On your way to your room, you see that the doors of Sam's room are open, and the first thing you notice inside is a stack of envelopes on the desk. Walking inside you take them and start reading the names of colleges Sam applied to. Putting them back to their place, you go to your room and lie down. But all thoughts of sleep leave your mind, and thoughts about convincing Sam to stay replace them. Or at least how to figure out some kind of compromise, where Sam could go to the college he wants and you could have your family together. At this point you are ready to bargain and make a deal with him, offer him anything if he stays.


End file.
